Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Fait Accompli

31st August 2004 – Tuesday
47th Independence Day

It’s only 8.10am and I have had a breakfast of half plate of leftover fried rice, a toast and a half-boiled egg plus tea. Last night I slept at 1.00am and woke up this morn at 6.50am. Well, for a girl who is used to doing her grocery shopping at 7-11 in the wee hour of the morning, this is certainly the closest to normality she can get. I can now feel the stretch of the whole day awaiting my venture, hopefully it won’t be as heaty as yesterday. I feel very healthy today, some wali must have been praying for me, thank thee.

Last night I saw my Alpha Male on the news, a brief 4 seconds or so but enough to cause my heart, if I still have one, to leap with mixed feelings. I’ve not seen him for 7 months and 2 days, and was surprised to see the changes in him. Although 7 months of waiting seems like eternity to me, I still think that the physical changes in him are too abrupt. Physiologists may say that his biological clock is rapidly ticking at an increased rate, but to me he looks more distinguished than ever.

I am not entitled to whine regarding our lack of rendezvous, for the truth is he has requested and indicated to meet me a few times throughout the 7 months but somehow I was not able to comply. I’ve played my part as well, requesting to meet him in Feb, March and April but our timing was not really in sync. By now, I have resigned our fate to fate. All has been written down for us. We are just playing our parts in the cosmic coreography.

I finished reading Look at Me in just 2 sittings and am well into my third Brookner now. The prize-winning Hotel du Lac. Interesting and perceptive. I found that she’s very Austenesque in this novel. Perhaps the commentator of Making Things Better only read Hotel du Lac and assumes that Brookner is consistent in her writing style that he described her latest novel as Austenesque, which is not really accurate. So here’s my opinion :-

Anita Brookner’s …

1. Making Things Better – would only be readable to someone who already appreciates Brookner. I will read it again later, or at least continue reading from where I left off.
2. Look at Me – marvelous reading, extremely well written. I rate it 9 out of 10 for its genre.
3. Hotel du Lac - it won the Booker Prize, so I need not comment.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Energy Cords

3.25am, 29th August 2004

I’m rising from the ashes. Guess I feel so grateful for still being alive that I’ve started doing some of the outstanding chores. I washed and scrubbed my bathroom (my, did I sweat) and the paraphernalia. I removed the broken metal rail and unscrewed, using a small knife, the broken sharp edges from the wall. Then I cleaned the washing machine, drier etc. Good exercise, good perspiring and good to be alive and to feel that I’m functioning.

X2 checked on me as early as 6.20am this morning just to make sure that I’m ok. Then I received a missed call from an unfamiliar number and from ‘Shasha’ in mid-morning.

I did a lot of injustice the previous day, writing unfavourable remarks re Brookner’s novel. I’ve started reading another of her novel yesterday morning and it’s fabulous. I couldn’t stop reading until page 120+ and I would have said she’s Atwoodian but for the fact that I think she started writing before Atwood did. She delves into her character’s psyche most convincingly. Title : Look at Me. The one that I didn’t favour before was her latest work, it’s titled Making Things Better.

As of 2 days ago, it’s been 2 weeks since I cut off the umbilical cords, just kidding, the energy cords between X2 and me, and connected them to earth crystalline grid. He’s been well for 16 consecutive days now which has never been the case since February 2003. He was always sick, sometimes grievously sometimes mildly ... but sickly he was.

Mk called me around noon to inform about the injections availability. Though I was awake (slept 1.00pm to 8.30pm yesterday – living on EST), I was anxious not to step outdoor. Yes, I stayed in the whole of 28th. Earlier on I had a huge breakfast, which seldom happens, and was still full by then, curling up in bed reading Brookner layered with thoughts of the one I adore, my Alpha Male.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Nightmares and Lucid Dreams

Early this morning I received a dozen sms from 2 of my good friends on how horrifying their nocturnal slumber has been.

Ash informed me :

‘I had the strangest dream last nite. I was in mdval time n tortured by Christn Orthodox coz I was a Pagan. Agonizingly painfl. I hv red lashed mark in de back n legs. REAL but no PAIN !!! Gila kali’

Ash is practically a Bruneian and ‘gila kali’ is equivalent to ‘this is crazy’.

I asked her ‘do u hv d lash marks in ur dream or upon waking up?’ of which she answered :

‘Strangely enough de red lashed marks @ de back n legs r REAL. But no PAIN !!! Gila kali.'

I suddenly remembered 2 things :

1. She talked about Botticelli being a member of Priory of Sion some 5 days ago.

2. Then, I sent her The Book of Lucifer plus some other medieval occult stuff some days ago. JUST FOR FUN ! They were meant to be flipped and thrown away, not contemplated on. I just happen to be a sucker for anything medieval, especially when some materials were written in Medieval Latin.

Upon questioning her whether the above could have triggered her weird masochistic dream, she answered :

‘Yes I flippd de book during lunch hour 2 days ago. 1 more point I missd to tell. I was a man or in a man’s body, I know 4 sure coz it’s my SOUL’

Ash, I suggest that you try a past-life regression therapy. In the meantime I’ll try to find out if Botticelli ever painted anything sadistic.

Nouri’s experience was more like a lucid dream whereby she was ‘awakened in her sleep’ and experienced intense vibrating, complete with buzzing sound, in her every molecule. She had 4 arms and another body trying to split from her physical body. She struggled to dismember the extra 2 arms and upon succeeding found a Qur’aan on top of her head.

Maybe I’ll tell her when we meet next (she is currently under curfew - chicken pox) that from my reading, that situation seemed to form the base for astral projection@travelling, if she’s interested.

About 4 weeks ago I dreamt of my dearly departed friend (may she rest in peace). She was clad in black and white evening dress, smiling and saying this to me ‘make sure you come to meet me in August, 28th August’ of which I replied ‘Yes of course’. She insisted for confirmation by saying ‘promise?’ with a pleading look. I was very fond of this girl. She was my childhood friend and right to the end, not even once she caused a disharmony to my psyche, so I said ‘I promise’. Now, what do we make of that? Today is 27th of August and I’m freaking out. Help !!!

Last Thursday night 19th August 2004, I had another weird dream. I noticed that something lumpy was under my fingernail ie in between my fingernail and the flesh underneath it. It was round in shape and darkish. I pressed my nail to get it out. No pain. What came out was a dark red gemstone, unpolished. It was round and the size of half fingernail. Couldn’t figure out whether it was a ruby or a garnet. Then I noticed that there were similar things under my other fingernails, so I started pressing them one by one. Similar stones came out.

Since then I’ve been doing a little research on dream interpretation, from Freud’s to Tajul Muluk's to metaphysical/new age sites. After scanning through 40+ materials online, these are what I got.

If one’s birthstone is ruby (mine is, for I was born in July and ruby is the birthstone for July) then dreaming of rubies mean that one will attain spiritual enrichment.

Ruby symbolizes love, passion and sexual desire. Dreaming of a ruby would mean either realisation/manifestation/crystallisation of these needs or if the gem slips out of one’s hand, losing a lover. In my case, they slipped out from under my fingernails ie came out of hiding. What could it mean?

Ruby or red gemstone also symbolizes material gains, business success, wealth and prosperity.

On fingernails, if one dreams of dirty fingernails, it means a young member of the family will disgrace the whole clan. Clean and well kept fingernails mean attainment of scholarly progression or advancement of learning.

I still don’t know what to conclude from these. I would have dismissed the whole issue but for the fact that I now believe in thought-forms and etheric bodies and mental planes and parallel universes … so to us dreamers – Ash, Nouri and me, let’s just wait and see … time will unravel the mysteries … or not ….

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Rutilated Quartz

rutilated quartz Posted by Hello

errr ... this is meant as an addendum to my first posting

Austenesque, or NOT !!


I cannot cannot cannot go on. Quitting at page 111. If I continue reading, I would die of boredom. Brookner is more Austen than Austen herself, but without the wit, irony and satire. More boring than Conrad. And I was stupid enough to buy 3 of her novels last week simply bcoz she’s a Booker Prize winner. Decided to reaccommodate Atwood.

Atwood can write about nothingness and I would still devour it. Which reminds me that I also bought a couple of her novels last week. Now, where are they? I gotta rummage through these clutter …

Notes From A Solitary Confinement

It’s 5.00am and I can’t sleep, … can’t complain of insomnia coz it’s not. It’s my bodyclock getting confused again about which timezone I am in. Been sleeping 9.00am to 4.00pm for the past few days. Terrible me !! This is what happens when one doesn’t have to think of anything at all, when one is not answerable to anyone, when one is not responsible for anything, not even to feed some pets. I promise I will attempt to get in sync with GMT+8 soonest, otherwise there will be some self-imposed penalty.

These days I measure my productivity and activeness by :

how many movies on astro or vcd I actually ‘finished’ watching. I still haven’t bought a dvd
player, I am soooo 20th century, right? hehe

how many articles/books that I ‘finished’ reading

whether or not I step out of my apartment in any 24hr period, if yes how many times and for how long. If I spend over 2 hours outside, then I’m ‘active’

whether I speak to another human being in any 24hr period. If I utter over 4,000 words for the day, which is the average spoken by an average man, then I’m active, even though an average woman has to use up a quota of 10,000 words per day to validate her existence.

how many sms that I receive and reply for the day

Now, depending on one’s benchmarking and value system, one may pity me or one may envy me. I am definitely not part of the happenings, not part of the in-crowd but I am happy 98% of the time which I think is far above average in our fast-pace society. I have stopped questioning myself whether I should try to lead a slightly, just slightly normal life. By now, I believe that normality doesn’t exist except within the parameters of our own universes. But … I do need to alter my life a bit, lest this sedentary lifestyle is gonna prove disastrous to my outward appearances and health.

Intro : Seri Dewi Malam

This is part of my attempt to express myself / my thoughts. I have a blockage of my fifth chakra ie throat chakra. Aura/chakra scanning/scrying indicates that all my chakras are spinning adequately but for a sluggish spinning of the throat chakra and an overactive solar plexus chakra. These account for the fact that I’ve lost the natural talent to talk, write and express myself effectively while ‘suffering’ from a natural high all these while.

Aside from this blogging of random thoughts, I would have to surround myself with the colour blue. Blue, blue and blue. This should project the correct vibration into my aura and consequently affect my throat chakra. I don’t plan to do anything regarding my overactive solar plexus chakra apart from wearing a rutile pendant at least 10 hours a day. Rutilated quartz can help align the chakras, insyaAllah.

I’ve chosen the name Seri Dewi Malam because I don’t sleep at nights. For the past 6 days I’ve been sleeping from mid morning to mid afternoon. Seri Dewi Malam was also one of my favourite songs during my childhood.